Thanks Mom and Dad, couldn't have done it without y'all

I don’t like my parents.

Not in the teenage they just took away my new moon poster kind of way. I really don’t like them. Sometimes I find it very hard to speak to them on the phone, and I never, ever want to take my vacation to visit them.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic. She stopped drinking right after I turned 16. Why you ask? Well, I had to wrestle her to the ground one night when she was plastered and wanted more smokes. She busted my nose with her head. I moved out the next day. I guess she decided it was time to start being a sober mommy after that, she has not drank ethanol since. She smoked and drank while pregnant with my sister and I, and I think that’s where my anger with her began.

My dad…where do I start? He is the reason I have to take pills to keep my brain chemicals in check. He is the reason that I cannot sit still while at home and enjoy a movie or silence without feeling guilty that I am not doing something productive. He is the reason that even when I do really good at something, all I hear is his voice in my head well, do better next time.

Hate did not begin to describe how I felt about them in my early twenties. Counseling helped me bring it to hate. Pills helped me not cry about it all the time. Anti-anxiety meds helped me stop having night terrors about the night my mom took my sister and I to our first movie (age 6 and 7), got wasted at the bar next to the movie theater, and got in a crash with us.

No matter what a counselor says or how many pills I take I cannot find it within myself to forgive them. I am confident the reason that I cannot forgive them is because I don’t want them off the hook. I know I need to lay it out there, everything, let them know how I feel. But I just see no point.

My dad the workaholic manic depressive, my mom the alcoholic unhappy housewife that gave up being a hippie for kids. Their marriage is a joke to me really. Dad yells at mom all the time, mom goes into la-la land and no one every talks about, well, anything. So I don’t call.

I called this past Thanksgiving. Hubs, great man that he is, has not met my parents so he is ignorant. I cannot blame him for chastising me for not wanting to call them. I mean, his parents are normal Southern people. So I call, with him right there to hear the version 2.0 of Hell that is a phone call with them.

I tell them that I am pursuing the dream that I was convinced out of in high school (long story, another post) and changing my major to English and becoming a teacher, eventually a professor. So they said “well, that’s ok we suppose Housewife, we could never see you being a nurse, so we are glad you came around”. Laughter. Evil-flying-monkeys-from-wizard-of-Oz laughter. I held on to the call, because a part of me was hoping that it would be different. Oh no, not this year kids.

Grandma Jane is bedridden and childlike. They don’t think she will make it much longer. Well, thankssomuch for that happy bit of news on THANKSGIVING. So glad I made this call. Yeah, and so you should try to get to California before she goes, she had asked about you awhile ago, we told her you were busy…

I’m sorry, you did WHAT?! (I think I shot a lightning bolt out of my eye into the dashboard of the car, I can't remember) On what planet do you tell a dying woman that her granddaughter (not by blood, again, another long story) that said granddaughter is to busy to come see you. Nice. Really niiiiiice.

Hanging up, I looked over at Hubs (I let him listen via speaker since he wanted this phone call to happen so much) and I give him the “are you fucking happy now?” look. Silence.

“See honey, don’t you feel better now that you called?”

That’s when I turned into a raging demon gorilla and beat him into the dashboard of his Honda.

When all you want is to run away

I think maybe I go through a cycle once every three or four years, where I just decide to act like a total bitch, get really depressed, and actively try to push everyone out of my life. I am not sure why the hell I am doing it, but three years ago I physically moved from my friends, and now, this past month, I feel trapped. Trapped in my relationships, my job, school, my debt. Completely trapped. I flip out with the littlest things, and other people getting treated badly puts me into murder mode. WTF is wrong with me?

As a kid, I did it to my parents, friends, everyone. I was a total loner, and liked it. I really do wish that I could just be alone on a mountaintop with my dog and my cat. I would have to have power…I would totally go solar. I need the internet. Face to face communication…I just don’t think I like it. Only when I am drunk. But sometimes I want to drink alone, just so I don’t feel so sad. I get to be numb. That is why alcohol is so dangerous to me…and why I have to actively try to not drink but one or two glasses a week.

My boyfriend is amazing. I in no way deserve him. Yet he is in the list of people I wish would just go away. Wrong me somehow so that I would have an excuse to get them out of my life. I think…I think I have a mental issue. I am on anti-depressants, but I think I might need something else. Anti-anxiety maybe. I have panic attacks, I just hide them from people- chest pain, the feeling of having an elephant on my chest, trouble breathing, graying out of vision…the whole bit. There is nothing medically wrong, so it’s a panic attack. Wonderful, no?

Anyway…I just want to run away. And it’s not like I have problems- I love my boyfriend, I am not in trouble with the law, and I am not about to get fired or anything….I dunno, maybe I just need to fight through it without pushing everyone out of my life.

My brain has been on overdrive lately. I am gearing up for the fall semester (including an all day chem. Class), I have a family situation where my closest relative is no longer speaking to me, and I recently opened my house to my best friend of 10 years because she got laid off. It has been a trying time for hubs and I.

I have had many a sleepless night, trying to figure out how to juggle everything, and frankly, I can’t. Either hubs or myself has to get a second job, preferably both of us. Well, we don’t have to, but if we want to stop scraping by, then yeah, we gotta. The relative, we will call them Skippy, well there is nothing I can do about it. I put my position on the situation out there, and there was a major disagreement. BAM sibling outta my life. Live and learn.

Now for the best friend.Salty has been my friend for 10 years, and when I was younger it was an even give and take. We both went out, painted the town red, smoked a lot of pot, so on. Well, I moved many states away and grew up. A lot. Had a lot of bad chit happen and my shit got smacked into place. Salty, prettier, more buxom, and more social than I, got an ever wider circle of friends, ex-boyfriends, blah blah. Then, she lost her job. Then, her wonderful father defaulted on the house. So Salty found herself without a job, in a bad market, and without a home. So, being the kind, bleeding heart person I really am on the inside (to my constant chagrin), I opened up our guest room to her. She found a job within three days (Bitch, I have been looking for almost a year and NOTHING). The job pays crap, but she is sticking to it cause “it makes her happy.” WTF?! This is not magic never-never land with pixie dust and magic elves that sweep away credit card debt.

It was stupid of me to let her move in. She is stressing me out. I am not supporting her financially, except not asking for rent (she cleans the house, nice perk), but she is just so…inefficient. With anything- be it getting ready in the morning, to cleaning, to looking things up using google. I mean, I know everyone has their ways and patterns. Everyone is different. But three hours to get ready and your not applying makeup? Being late all the time b/c you forget? I cannot fathom it.
See Internet? All this has me so out of it that I lost the point of this entry. Oh, right, overdrive. I feel like that damn cat hanging on the rope…and if one more person tells me to “keep hanging in there” I might have to add murder charges to my list of things to stress about.

'Tis funny when hubs is in shock

Well, not funny maybe, but it certainly was entertaining for this housewife. My best friend of 10 years, let’s call her salty (cause that woman lives off salt). Salty got laid off in her hometown, not in Texas. Salty realized that if she stayed in this town her life would keep on suckin’. So, salty asked to become part of the housewife clan.

After much deliberation, hubs and I decided that we would do salty the favor (hehheh) of letting her live with us in the spare bedroom. So, salty began her 2000 mile journey and arrived at our humble abode.

WHEREBY HUBS WAS STRUCK WITH THE FULL POWER OF FEMALE. See…salty is a little ditzy, a little boy crazy, and A LOT typical 24 year old. I mean, the woman is batshit crazy but I love her, most of the time. Lately she has been wearing on me. I keep trying though. Everything is wearing on me it seems. But I digress…
So, when struck with full woman straight on in the face, my 32 year old hubs gets a look of sheer terror mixed with thankfulness mixed with annoyance. It is such an interesting look that I wish I would break ranks and post a photo, but I shall not. Just….imagine it.

So, last night he tells me, as we are laying in bed watching our favorite crab fishing show “housewife, I am so glad you’re not a chick”

Awww….Hubs is so sweet sometimes.

Son of a bitch, it does come in threes

I saw a post by a blogger that I adore, the Redneck Mommy, where she spoke of bad things coming in threes. While her post was interjected with her usual humor, it struck me this morning that son of a bitch she is right again!

Doc Holiday is sick again, by best friend's brother is in surgery to remove a fracking brain tumor that they just found this morning, and Hubs did a number on his back (getting old). Only one of those things is tragic, and if I was a prayer I would be praying for him. But, I don't pray. I logically work out the odds of something going well.

Short post today, I have to many phone calls and text messages to return. I hope you all have a great weekend. Wait...no one reads this yet. :)