When all you want is to run away

I think maybe I go through a cycle once every three or four years, where I just decide to act like a total bitch, get really depressed, and actively try to push everyone out of my life. I am not sure why the hell I am doing it, but three years ago I physically moved from my friends, and now, this past month, I feel trapped. Trapped in my relationships, my job, school, my debt. Completely trapped. I flip out with the littlest things, and other people getting treated badly puts me into murder mode. WTF is wrong with me?

As a kid, I did it to my parents, friends, everyone. I was a total loner, and liked it. I really do wish that I could just be alone on a mountaintop with my dog and my cat. I would have to have power…I would totally go solar. I need the internet. Face to face communication…I just don’t think I like it. Only when I am drunk. But sometimes I want to drink alone, just so I don’t feel so sad. I get to be numb. That is why alcohol is so dangerous to me…and why I have to actively try to not drink but one or two glasses a week.

My boyfriend is amazing. I in no way deserve him. Yet he is in the list of people I wish would just go away. Wrong me somehow so that I would have an excuse to get them out of my life. I think…I think I have a mental issue. I am on anti-depressants, but I think I might need something else. Anti-anxiety maybe. I have panic attacks, I just hide them from people- chest pain, the feeling of having an elephant on my chest, trouble breathing, graying out of vision…the whole bit. There is nothing medically wrong, so it’s a panic attack. Wonderful, no?

Anyway…I just want to run away. And it’s not like I have problems- I love my boyfriend, I am not in trouble with the law, and I am not about to get fired or anything….I dunno, maybe I just need to fight through it without pushing everyone out of my life.

'Tis funny when hubs is in shock

Well, not funny maybe, but it certainly was entertaining for this housewife. My best friend of 10 years, let’s call her salty (cause that woman lives off salt). Salty got laid off in her hometown, not in Texas. Salty realized that if she stayed in this town her life would keep on suckin’. So, salty asked to become part of the housewife clan.

After much deliberation, hubs and I decided that we would do salty the favor (hehheh) of letting her live with us in the spare bedroom. So, salty began her 2000 mile journey and arrived at our humble abode.

WHEREBY HUBS WAS STRUCK WITH THE FULL POWER OF FEMALE. See…salty is a little ditzy, a little boy crazy, and A LOT typical 24 year old. I mean, the woman is batshit crazy but I love her, most of the time. Lately she has been wearing on me. I keep trying though. Everything is wearing on me it seems. But I digress…
So, when struck with full woman straight on in the face, my 32 year old hubs gets a look of sheer terror mixed with thankfulness mixed with annoyance. It is such an interesting look that I wish I would break ranks and post a photo, but I shall not. Just….imagine it.

So, last night he tells me, as we are laying in bed watching our favorite crab fishing show “housewife, I am so glad you’re not a chick”

Awww….Hubs is so sweet sometimes.