Thursday, July 16, 2009

When all you want is to run away

I think maybe I go through a cycle once every three or four years, where I just decide to act like a total bitch, get really depressed, and actively try to push everyone out of my life. I am not sure why the hell I am doing it, but three years ago I physically moved from my friends, and now, this past month, I feel trapped. Trapped in my relationships, my job, school, my debt. Completely trapped. I flip out with the littlest things, and other people getting treated badly puts me into murder mode. WTF is wrong with me?

As a kid, I did it to my parents, friends, everyone. I was a total loner, and liked it. I really do wish that I could just be alone on a mountaintop with my dog and my cat. I would have to have power…I would totally go solar. I need the internet. Face to face communication…I just don’t think I like it. Only when I am drunk. But sometimes I want to drink alone, just so I don’t feel so sad. I get to be numb. That is why alcohol is so dangerous to me…and why I have to actively try to not drink but one or two glasses a week.

My boyfriend is amazing. I in no way deserve him. Yet he is in the list of people I wish would just go away. Wrong me somehow so that I would have an excuse to get them out of my life. I think…I think I have a mental issue. I am on anti-depressants, but I think I might need something else. Anti-anxiety maybe. I have panic attacks, I just hide them from people- chest pain, the feeling of having an elephant on my chest, trouble breathing, graying out of vision…the whole bit. There is nothing medically wrong, so it’s a panic attack. Wonderful, no?

Anyway…I just want to run away. And it’s not like I have problems- I love my boyfriend, I am not in trouble with the law, and I am not about to get fired or anything….I dunno, maybe I just need to fight through it without pushing everyone out of my life.

Monday, July 13, 2009

My brain has been on overdrive lately. I am gearing up for the fall semester (including an all day chem. Class), I have a family situation where my closest relative is no longer speaking to me, and I recently opened my house to my best friend of 10 years because she got laid off. It has been a trying time for hubs and I.

I have had many a sleepless night, trying to figure out how to juggle everything, and frankly, I can’t. Either hubs or myself has to get a second job, preferably both of us. Well, we don’t have to, but if we want to stop scraping by, then yeah, we gotta. The relative, we will call them Skippy, well there is nothing I can do about it. I put my position on the situation out there, and there was a major disagreement. BAM sibling outta my life. Live and learn.

Now for the best friend.Salty has been my friend for 10 years, and when I was younger it was an even give and take. We both went out, painted the town red, smoked a lot of pot, so on. Well, I moved many states away and grew up. A lot. Had a lot of bad chit happen and my shit got smacked into place. Salty, prettier, more buxom, and more social than I, got an ever wider circle of friends, ex-boyfriends, blah blah. Then, she lost her job. Then, her wonderful father defaulted on the house. So Salty found herself without a job, in a bad market, and without a home. So, being the kind, bleeding heart person I really am on the inside (to my constant chagrin), I opened up our guest room to her. She found a job within three days (Bitch, I have been looking for almost a year and NOTHING). The job pays crap, but she is sticking to it cause “it makes her happy.” WTF?! This is not magic never-never land with pixie dust and magic elves that sweep away credit card debt.

It was stupid of me to let her move in. She is stressing me out. I am not supporting her financially, except not asking for rent (she cleans the house, nice perk), but she is just so…inefficient. With anything- be it getting ready in the morning, to cleaning, to looking things up using google. I mean, I know everyone has their ways and patterns. Everyone is different. But three hours to get ready and your not applying makeup? Being late all the time b/c you forget? I cannot fathom it.
See Internet? All this has me so out of it that I lost the point of this entry. Oh, right, overdrive. I feel like that damn cat hanging on the rope…and if one more person tells me to “keep hanging in there” I might have to add murder charges to my list of things to stress about.