Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thanks Mom and Dad, couldn't have done it without y'all

I don’t like my parents.

Not in the teenage they just took away my new moon poster kind of way. I really don’t like them. Sometimes I find it very hard to speak to them on the phone, and I never, ever want to take my vacation to visit them.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic. She stopped drinking right after I turned 16. Why you ask? Well, I had to wrestle her to the ground one night when she was plastered and wanted more smokes. She busted my nose with her head. I moved out the next day. I guess she decided it was time to start being a sober mommy after that, she has not drank ethanol since. She smoked and drank while pregnant with my sister and I, and I think that’s where my anger with her began.

My dad…where do I start? He is the reason I have to take pills to keep my brain chemicals in check. He is the reason that I cannot sit still while at home and enjoy a movie or silence without feeling guilty that I am not doing something productive. He is the reason that even when I do really good at something, all I hear is his voice in my head well, do better next time.

Hate did not begin to describe how I felt about them in my early twenties. Counseling helped me bring it to hate. Pills helped me not cry about it all the time. Anti-anxiety meds helped me stop having night terrors about the night my mom took my sister and I to our first movie (age 6 and 7), got wasted at the bar next to the movie theater, and got in a crash with us.

No matter what a counselor says or how many pills I take I cannot find it within myself to forgive them. I am confident the reason that I cannot forgive them is because I don’t want them off the hook. I know I need to lay it out there, everything, let them know how I feel. But I just see no point.

My dad the workaholic manic depressive, my mom the alcoholic unhappy housewife that gave up being a hippie for kids. Their marriage is a joke to me really. Dad yells at mom all the time, mom goes into la-la land and no one every talks about, well, anything. So I don’t call.

I called this past Thanksgiving. Hubs, great man that he is, has not met my parents so he is ignorant. I cannot blame him for chastising me for not wanting to call them. I mean, his parents are normal Southern people. So I call, with him right there to hear the version 2.0 of Hell that is a phone call with them.

I tell them that I am pursuing the dream that I was convinced out of in high school (long story, another post) and changing my major to English and becoming a teacher, eventually a professor. So they said “well, that’s ok we suppose Housewife, we could never see you being a nurse, so we are glad you came around”. Laughter. Evil-flying-monkeys-from-wizard-of-Oz laughter. I held on to the call, because a part of me was hoping that it would be different. Oh no, not this year kids.

Grandma Jane is bedridden and childlike. They don’t think she will make it much longer. Well, thankssomuch for that happy bit of news on THANKSGIVING. So glad I made this call. Yeah, and so you should try to get to California before she goes, she had asked about you awhile ago, we told her you were busy…

I’m sorry, you did WHAT?! (I think I shot a lightning bolt out of my eye into the dashboard of the car, I can't remember) On what planet do you tell a dying woman that her granddaughter (not by blood, again, another long story) that said granddaughter is to busy to come see you. Nice. Really niiiiiice.

Hanging up, I looked over at Hubs (I let him listen via speaker since he wanted this phone call to happen so much) and I give him the “are you fucking happy now?” look. Silence.

“See honey, don’t you feel better now that you called?”

That’s when I turned into a raging demon gorilla and beat him into the dashboard of his Honda.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Best Decision I have Made...recently

It is a rough road when you realize that your parents lied when they said “You can be anything you want to be”. The dreams of you becoming a world famous doctor who cures AIDS in Africa get dashed when you realize there is NO WAY IN HELL you can afford the school tuition, and no one will give you money to go to school because you have a job. Nurse? Good dream, except that there are not any good night nursing programs around, so you would have to quit your job to work retail. Huh.

I know, I know. You’re thinking “wtf? Duh Housewife, it’s freaking REALITY.” Yeah, well I had dreamed of going to Africa to help out all the starving people. I wanted to be a nurse living in a hut in the middle of a lion pack saving people. I wanted to make a damn difference.

I guess I assumed that whatever person I ended up with would either go with me or merrily watch the children while I whisked off to an exotic destination to pick my way around elephant shit and dirty water. Sounds fun.

When I met hubs, the dream went away. Not that he would not let me go, he would. But, something primal kicked in. Now, I want to have kids and stay here. Be a mom. That phrase would have made me shudder three years ago. Get Married. I still don’t like that term, except the tax deal is ok I guess.

So, doctor aside, nurse is still an option except, frankly, from what I have heard it’s not worth it anymore. So what do I do that will make a difference? Paramedic. TCC has a night program. It is cheaper, I get to go into trauma situations (kind of like elephant shit and dirty water), and I might get to help a kid (heaven forbid I ever meet the person who hurt them).

Once I made the decision everything seemed to fall into place. No funny quirky ending today peeps, just, I dunno, maybe an admission that sometimes when a compromise is made everything works out for the best…or something like that.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

It's not the size of the keyboard but how many tears you shed on it

I’m a little pragmatic you see…no one would call me happy-go-lucky. I have lost to many people close to me to be dripping with gooey happiness all the time. I cry at sappy movies with animals in them, but with romantic comedies I always imagine that after the story ends the couple breaks up after the man comes home smashed and smacks her around. Maybe that was just my past life and I am just projecting. Life is safer this way, not hoping for the best out of people. Friends think I need therapy or God, I think I need to stay the course.

So, it was my utter shock to find myself shorting out my keyboard with tears and watering down my coffee with that dreaded substance I rarely see…saline coming out of my eyes. Over a girl I don’t even know. Well, I know what she writes. I know she puts her heart and soul into her kids. I know that many, many people need her and love her. I did not know I was one of those. I have never seen her in real life, only pictures. I visit her site, I leave comments on some posts, but overall I am a passerby, a stranger in the night if you will.

But when I found out hse had a stroke, I shut down. It was like when I found out my mom had cancer. Or being ripped away from the only family you have here because an asshole smacked me around. I went to my castle, got out my snuggie and feared the worst.

The bloggers I follow, Redneck Mommy and Her Bad Mother have done what I was pretty sure no one could do- they restored my faith in humanity. Those two crazy women who I laugh at, have shared tears with over the vastness that is the Internet, and most of all who I admire (Tanis would tell me I am crazy at this point) have shown me what it means to have close friends. I don’t know how far away those three women live from each other, but I know that with how much I have seen them supporting and praying for Anissa…well hell I believe nothing bad will ever happen again.

I don’t have the guts to tell them this on their sites of course, cause well, I’m a chickenshit. But it was more, I thought they deserved a post somewhere not buried in a comments section. Something that wanders could come upon. Some stranger in the night even.

Those three women, who I have never met, changed my life. I love them for it even if they will never know it.

I need more coffee b/c I cannot get hyperlinks to meet Red Neck Mommy go here: To meet Her Bad Mother go here

To see where Anissa lives on the Internet, go here Anissa I don't pray, but I will send you all the healing energy I can manage

Thursday, July 16, 2009

When all you want is to run away

I think maybe I go through a cycle once every three or four years, where I just decide to act like a total bitch, get really depressed, and actively try to push everyone out of my life. I am not sure why the hell I am doing it, but three years ago I physically moved from my friends, and now, this past month, I feel trapped. Trapped in my relationships, my job, school, my debt. Completely trapped. I flip out with the littlest things, and other people getting treated badly puts me into murder mode. WTF is wrong with me?

As a kid, I did it to my parents, friends, everyone. I was a total loner, and liked it. I really do wish that I could just be alone on a mountaintop with my dog and my cat. I would have to have power…I would totally go solar. I need the internet. Face to face communication…I just don’t think I like it. Only when I am drunk. But sometimes I want to drink alone, just so I don’t feel so sad. I get to be numb. That is why alcohol is so dangerous to me…and why I have to actively try to not drink but one or two glasses a week.

My boyfriend is amazing. I in no way deserve him. Yet he is in the list of people I wish would just go away. Wrong me somehow so that I would have an excuse to get them out of my life. I think…I think I have a mental issue. I am on anti-depressants, but I think I might need something else. Anti-anxiety maybe. I have panic attacks, I just hide them from people- chest pain, the feeling of having an elephant on my chest, trouble breathing, graying out of vision…the whole bit. There is nothing medically wrong, so it’s a panic attack. Wonderful, no?

Anyway…I just want to run away. And it’s not like I have problems- I love my boyfriend, I am not in trouble with the law, and I am not about to get fired or anything….I dunno, maybe I just need to fight through it without pushing everyone out of my life.

Monday, July 13, 2009

My brain has been on overdrive lately. I am gearing up for the fall semester (including an all day chem. Class), I have a family situation where my closest relative is no longer speaking to me, and I recently opened my house to my best friend of 10 years because she got laid off. It has been a trying time for hubs and I.

I have had many a sleepless night, trying to figure out how to juggle everything, and frankly, I can’t. Either hubs or myself has to get a second job, preferably both of us. Well, we don’t have to, but if we want to stop scraping by, then yeah, we gotta. The relative, we will call them Skippy, well there is nothing I can do about it. I put my position on the situation out there, and there was a major disagreement. BAM sibling outta my life. Live and learn.

Now for the best friend.Salty has been my friend for 10 years, and when I was younger it was an even give and take. We both went out, painted the town red, smoked a lot of pot, so on. Well, I moved many states away and grew up. A lot. Had a lot of bad chit happen and my shit got smacked into place. Salty, prettier, more buxom, and more social than I, got an ever wider circle of friends, ex-boyfriends, blah blah. Then, she lost her job. Then, her wonderful father defaulted on the house. So Salty found herself without a job, in a bad market, and without a home. So, being the kind, bleeding heart person I really am on the inside (to my constant chagrin), I opened up our guest room to her. She found a job within three days (Bitch, I have been looking for almost a year and NOTHING). The job pays crap, but she is sticking to it cause “it makes her happy.” WTF?! This is not magic never-never land with pixie dust and magic elves that sweep away credit card debt.

It was stupid of me to let her move in. She is stressing me out. I am not supporting her financially, except not asking for rent (she cleans the house, nice perk), but she is just so…inefficient. With anything- be it getting ready in the morning, to cleaning, to looking things up using google. I mean, I know everyone has their ways and patterns. Everyone is different. But three hours to get ready and your not applying makeup? Being late all the time b/c you forget? I cannot fathom it.
See Internet? All this has me so out of it that I lost the point of this entry. Oh, right, overdrive. I feel like that damn cat hanging on the rope…and if one more person tells me to “keep hanging in there” I might have to add murder charges to my list of things to stress about.

Friday, June 26, 2009

'Tis funny when hubs is in shock

Well, not funny maybe, but it certainly was entertaining for this housewife. My best friend of 10 years, let’s call her salty (cause that woman lives off salt). Salty got laid off in her hometown, not in Texas. Salty realized that if she stayed in this town her life would keep on suckin’. So, salty asked to become part of the housewife clan.

After much deliberation, hubs and I decided that we would do salty the favor (hehheh) of letting her live with us in the spare bedroom. So, salty began her 2000 mile journey and arrived at our humble abode.

WHEREBY HUBS WAS STRUCK WITH THE FULL POWER OF FEMALE. See…salty is a little ditzy, a little boy crazy, and A LOT typical 24 year old. I mean, the woman is batshit crazy but I love her, most of the time. Lately she has been wearing on me. I keep trying though. Everything is wearing on me it seems. But I digress…
So, when struck with full woman straight on in the face, my 32 year old hubs gets a look of sheer terror mixed with thankfulness mixed with annoyance. It is such an interesting look that I wish I would break ranks and post a photo, but I shall not. Just….imagine it.

So, last night he tells me, as we are laying in bed watching our favorite crab fishing show “housewife, I am so glad you’re not a chick

Awww….Hubs is so sweet sometimes.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Delayed Reaction

Sorry no post in a while...although I don't have many readers so I can't imagine to many people noticed... :)

Lots has happened, the dog has made me go through this horrendous rollercoaster of emotions. he has been sick, then gets better, then so sick we think we have to put him down, then they find a new med to put him's just horrible.

Work is..well it is affecting my mental and physical health and I need to get out. I have applied to a couple of places, so I will keep my fingers crossed.

I got the grant to go to college! So now that is one less monetary worry.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Social Contract

Short and sweet tonight dear Internet. Do you subscribe to the social contract? Interesting thing that. Apparently it means lying to people to make them feel better. Apparently it means that even when people ask you for the truth they want you to lie.

Well Frack that. Frack that and the horse it rode in on. I don't want B.S from people, and no one should want that from people.

So, consider cancelling your subscription Internet. I am not saying tell off anyone that has pissed you off, I am just saying that the next time someone asks you what you really think about this guy that you met and now they want snap judgement? Say what you have to say in an honest yet polite manner. No need to curse excessively or call them names.

And remember, always think before you speak; for if you are not ready to stand by your statement than you should never have made it.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Son of a bitch, it does come in threes

I saw a post by a blogger that I adore, the Redneck Mommy, where she spoke of bad things coming in threes. While her post was interjected with her usual humor, it struck me this morning that son of a bitch she is right again!

Doc Holiday is sick again, by best friend's brother is in surgery to remove a fracking brain tumor that they just found this morning, and Hubs did a number on his back (getting old). Only one of those things is tragic, and if I was a prayer I would be praying for him. But, I don't pray. I logically work out the odds of something going well.

Short post today, I have to many phone calls and text messages to return. I hope you all have a great weekend. one reads this yet. :)

Friday, March 27, 2009

This boy broke my heart

Not because I loved him and he rejected me. Oh no. This boy took my best friend, my partner in crime, the person I love most in this world. He took my little sister away from me.

"No one can do that!" you say. And you would be right, sort of. The only person that can control me is me. Or so the saying goes. However, when faced with the prospect of marrying a boy comes around, well the little sister must take it.

This man is a classic abuser. I not only know that from experience, but I study said behavior to help prevent other women from falling victim to the abuse. He has not hit her, only verbal. But wow...the verbal.

And he trashed my house. tracked mud through it, left his chewing tobacco spit all over the place....I need my house to be clean so you can only imagine how angry I got about this.

So he proposed and I have lost my sister. I have told her before that I despise him, she thinks I am being a bitch. The last time he threatened to "teach her a lesson" I told her that he was on my kill list. And now she won't call. She will not return my calls.

Shall I admit defeat? Not just yet. I have a feeling he will Frack up yet a fourth time, and she will hopefully then realize him for who he is.

Oh, and before you tell me "you should go to the wedding, make up..." No. Frack no. And if she would return my calls I would tell her that same thing. I am not attending the wedding, I am not getting her a gift. She will have to find another maid of honor.

I can only hope that he will shoot his mouth off to the wrong person and then he will disappear.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sick puppy eyes are the worst

So Doc Holiday (our corgi/Lab mix) fell ill this weekend (friday afternoon). He ran a fever of about 105 and would not move out of his crate. I had to carry him wherever we needed to go. Force feed him pedialyte and baby food. Ice baths every hour to help control the fever. Dosing him with aspirin. Clenching my hands and feeling helpless as I stand over his crate and will him to lift his head. He also had diarhea (no vomiting). I feared parvo even though he had been vaccinated. I took him to the vet Monday morning (thank goodness they took him, they were booked), and he had to stay there over night so that they could get him hydrated (I could not do enough with pedialyte and baby food in a syringe). They also had to ice the IV fluid to help with his fever, as their pain meds were not touching it.

After being up with this dog 24/7 over the weekend, then he spending the night in the hospital, I wanted answers. The blood tests and the fecal tests were negative for everything. The vet and I had a lengthy conversation, and after relaying my comings and goings over the past ten days, we narrowed it down to my trip to the pet store, I must have tracked something nasty in on my shoes...obviously they are not using disinfectant, or this is one hell of a superbug virus. I had never seen a dog so freaking sick. As of my umpteenth phone call to the vet 10 minutes ago, he was standing on his own and eating solid food...and he can go home tonight.

What can I do? I desperately asked. My dry sense of humor vet, whom I adore, says "Nothing to do, but I could sell you some pills to help you feel better about it"... Funny man.

He then said I could bleach my shoes when coming back from the pet store if I felt the need to. But Doc walks in and out of that place no problem...sigh...I think I finally got a glimpse of what it is like for parents to have sick babies this weekend. Hubs says that at least now I know I can pull 20 hour shifts nursing....yeah, he is funny too. At least the cat did not get sick, she claws and is a demon when she is even slightly annoyed, I can't imagine her sick.

Consider bleaching your shoes. Or, if you want to avoid the vet bill, maybe living in a bubble. I, for one, am getting pet insurance on the first and I am over scoffing at the premiums.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

No More Cherry for me

Well, I started a blog. No one will read it, and that's ok. It's probably going to be full of dry humor and really jaded point of views anyway. So my blog cherry has been popped. Good for me. Now on to bigger things, like, makeup or the latest cosmo magazine...

Just kidding. Seriously. I am not that kind of girl. I do not read magazines, nor do I wear girly clothes or focus on makeup. To the hubs pleasure I detest diamonds and cut flowers. Lucky him. Heh.

Trust me, I will get into it. For now, let's just start with the basics. I am in a committed relationship with a great man. I want children, don't have any yet. I work in a corporate world, blech. I am in nursing school, which is my dream. I will blog about my family, but not much. I am not to close with my family, so you will not hear much about them.

Mostly I will delight you with my wit and intellectual prowess...heh. More like I will make you feel better about your life when you compare it to mine, how is that?!

Signing off now, dear is to my hope for fame in the blogging world