Thursday, July 16, 2009

When all you want is to run away

I think maybe I go through a cycle once every three or four years, where I just decide to act like a total bitch, get really depressed, and actively try to push everyone out of my life. I am not sure why the hell I am doing it, but three years ago I physically moved from my friends, and now, this past month, I feel trapped. Trapped in my relationships, my job, school, my debt. Completely trapped. I flip out with the littlest things, and other people getting treated badly puts me into murder mode. WTF is wrong with me?

As a kid, I did it to my parents, friends, everyone. I was a total loner, and liked it. I really do wish that I could just be alone on a mountaintop with my dog and my cat. I would have to have power…I would totally go solar. I need the internet. Face to face communication…I just don’t think I like it. Only when I am drunk. But sometimes I want to drink alone, just so I don’t feel so sad. I get to be numb. That is why alcohol is so dangerous to me…and why I have to actively try to not drink but one or two glasses a week.

My boyfriend is amazing. I in no way deserve him. Yet he is in the list of people I wish would just go away. Wrong me somehow so that I would have an excuse to get them out of my life. I think…I think I have a mental issue. I am on anti-depressants, but I think I might need something else. Anti-anxiety maybe. I have panic attacks, I just hide them from people- chest pain, the feeling of having an elephant on my chest, trouble breathing, graying out of vision…the whole bit. There is nothing medically wrong, so it’s a panic attack. Wonderful, no?

Anyway…I just want to run away. And it’s not like I have problems- I love my boyfriend, I am not in trouble with the law, and I am not about to get fired or anything….I dunno, maybe I just need to fight through it without pushing everyone out of my life.

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