Tuesday, January 19, 2010

When you need a miracle and chemistry kicks your ass

I woke up this morning drenched in sweat. Crying with puffy eyes. I also woke up with pain all over. Aches. Pain in my joints and muscles. It’s been just like this for a week. I think the storm is coming again and I am not sure I can sit tight through it again. If medicine ain’t working, then what the fuck am I supposed to do?! Therapy made my night terrors worse.

I thought about leaving my boyfriend this morning. Just packing up and going. Partly to hurt someone, partly because I would rather be alone. All my friends are social beings. Me- I could live on a mountain top alone with only squirrels. That started early, but I can’t blame my parents forever for whats going on in my head. It’s not that I feel I don’t deserve to be happy- I want to be happy. I am happy for stretches at a time. Then, it’s like the meds stop fucking working. And what do you do when your first, last, and backup line of defense crumbles around you, leaving you heaving, sweating, with eyes so puffy you cannot even focus to see your mortal enemy? Because that’s what we are talking about here folks, my mortal enemy. The thing that if I let draw blood, even once, will kill me. Viciously and without mercy or thought of my family or friends.

I know I love him. I know that he is the best thing to happen to me. Ever. Period. I also know that he is going to get on one knee next month and ask me to marry him. And I want to be happy about it. Instead I am terrified. Terrified that I will be inexorably attached to another human. Why would he want to tie himself up with someone who has historically lashed out after lashing herself for months at a time.

The awesome part is that I keep wishing that I am going to channel Joan of Arc or something, find a sword and kick ass on that battlefield, with no defense. Instead what happens is I keep my head just above the blood. I sidestepped a sword thrust from my enemy this morning, and I am not sure how long I can keep moving. I need backup. I need this medicine to get my brain chemicals in check.

I need a miracle. And a reason.

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